Warnings: None
Author Notes: Thanks to everyone at BrianandMichael for the inspiration and encouragement.
For once in my life I didn't want to know what was wrong with Brian, why he was waiting for me in my bedroom when I got home from the store. I was sad and tired. I didn't have it in my to provide comfort to anyone. Not even him.
Ben was wrong it was already too late. The lie didn't change that.
It happened so damn fast between us, too fast. Almost as fast as the connection between Brian and me had begun. My heart didn't give a damn that Ben was positive, that it could have to endure the sickness and loss of what it coveted and craved. What it would probably love. It still wanted. Just as it wanted what it knew it might never have.
"Mikey," Brian's voice broke through the ramble in my head. Maybe the role of caretaker would be a relief tonight after all?
"What's wrong?" I asked again, this time meaning it.
I sat down on the bed next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. Creating the connection that always made it easier for us to confide. The look in his eyes jarred me. I couldn't stop the gasp of acknowledgment. As many times as I had seen it, I always pretended, for both our sakes, I hadn't. Tonight I didn’t have the strength. I suddenly became hyper conscious of the heat coming off his body in waves. Even through his T-shirt my fingers tingled with it.
"Bri...," my voice cracked. I cleared my throat, giving him the opportunity to pull back. To pretend.
Not now, not now, not now.
He crossed his right arm over his chest and laid his hand over mine. His gaze didn't waver. All I could hear was my heart and his breath sounds.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't look away. I was fascinated. Terrified. Dazzled.
"I never admitted the truth," he finally spoke.
About what?
"About what?" I asked, knowing, but hoping I was wrong. Please let it be about never coming out to his mother. About stealing the biology test papers in tenth grade because I thought I had failed. About...
"What you mean to me. What you've always meant to me," he whispered.
"Come on, Bri, I already know," I snatched my hand from his grasp and attempted a laugh. I had to stop him. As much as I wanted Brian, and I could admit that at least to myself, he needed Justin and Justin needed him. And what I needed...I stood up and physically distanced myself. What did I need?
It wasn't the time. This wasn't our time. Didn't he see that?
Then I realized, he did. He did see that. My body suddenly filled with rage. He could see it.
"I'm not, this, I wasn't," he tried to regain his resolve. His courage, or cowardice, depending on how you looked at it.
"What do you want? To move another chip in the Mikey game? Is this pulling me closer to push me away or pushing me away to pull me closer? It's so hard to tell the difference," I sneered. Cruelty we could survive. The rest, I wasn’t so confident. He remained silent, floundering, not hiding it well.
"This isn't about stopping me from going back to Ben," I motioned towards the book.
"Like you did about David? Or is this about goodbye?" my hands closed into fists.
"I know I deserve..."
"Fuck you, Brian Kinney!" I exploded, not even caring if Emmett had come home and was hearing every word. It felt good. As good as it felt to tell my mother to back off. "You don't know what the fuck you deserve."
Brian flinched, then his expression softened as if amused, impressed even. Or at least pretending to feel that way. He knew advertising and me. I knew comics and Brian Kinney.
I bent down and put my face in his. He started it, I was going to finish it. Once we were centimeters apart I spoke.
"Don't you dare say you love me until you believe you deserve my love back. Don't you dare hide behind it to say a anticipatory goodbye to me."
Then I kissed him. Hard. On the lips. Fuck his stupid rules.
THE END